Thursday, August 31, 2006

Dear Ender


Dear —Uneasy Remodeler:

You should switch companies, but not for any reason you’ve considered. I’ll get to the why, but first, Bush was elected twice, so you shouldn’t feel bad if you would rather not employ one of his disciples since there are apparently plenty of people out there who will not only have zero qualms about hiring Mr. Blind Patriot, but may in fact choose to hire him over others because of his politics, i.e. if you don’t hire him, you’ll likely hire someone who he beat out of other jobs because he’s a good soldier. All that aside, you need to get the guy out of your house, because your inability to mask your distress at the sight of his hat might be reason enough for him to do a less than a standup job.

Dear —Worried Mom:

You’re overreacting. Are the girls practicing bomb making or molesting each other? No. Get over it. In a few weeks the world “evil” will start taking on a whole new connotation for you, i.e. little girls kicking a ball up and down a field. By the end of the season, you’ll have come to love the word. I suspect for a fearful person such as yourself, that’s a good thing. My sincere advice, spend the time you’ve wasted fretting about evil in more productive ways, like practicing soccer with your daughter. That way, the only people who will be left dreading the world evil at the end of the day will be her opponents on the field.

Dear —To Fly or No To Fly:

Basically you’re asking if it’s okay to live a little? Please. Of course it’s okay. Can you afford it? That’s a good question, since you shouldn’t assume anyone is ever going to pay your way. Is he potentially worth it? Another good question. If the answer is yes to both, take the trip. The worst that could happen is you never have to wonder if you should have.

Dear —Mother of the Bride:

Good God don’t pay one cent! Strike that. You’re grown-ups. If you haven’t learned to manage your money yet, you never will. The fact that after 32 years of marriage you’d have to borrow to pay the 15k tab suggests you’re well on your way to never having two cents to rub together anyway, so you might as well keep living in the here and now. Your daughter will appreciate it, and you’ll still be in the same boat you’ve been in all your life. Good luck with that.

And finally, Dear Prudence:

You’re right in pointing out to Remodeler that patriotic paraphernalia isn’t the sole property of the Religious Right warmongering neocons. However, you’re a bit over the top. Try going to church. There, you’ll find likeminded people doing each other favors left and right. And no, I doubt you’d be upset with a letter writer who is black asking you if they should allow the white hooded plumber to fix their toilet.

You realize you’re asking Ms. Worried to be the worst kind of soccer mom? No? Let me guess, you have zero experience with youth sports and the hell some parents make it. Well, you’re a moron. Let the kids play, and let the volunteer coaches coach and run the team. Otherwise, get off your ass and volunteer to be more than a pain in the ass.

Your advice to Fly is okay, if a bit tepid.

As for Mother of the Bride, if she takes your advice her daughter will have good reason to hate you. Since when did her parents decide to be frugal? On her fucking wedding day, thanks to you, you creep!

1 comment:

bright virago said...

Welcome to the Prudenda!