Tuesday, September 12, 2006

9/11™: America Had It Coming

Happy anniversary, everybody!

I love anniversaries. They give us all a chance to come together as a nation and get a little perspective on things that really matter, like fear, terror and white blond women who’ve gone missing. It’s no coincidence that our 5th anniversary of Celebrating Terror™ coincides with fashion week. And it’s not a little serendipitous that we all can place a “wreath” at the tomb of the unknown flight attendant while contemplating an existence that doesn’t involve the latest trend in genocide and unwinnable wars.

Anyways, America had it coming, and you know it.

We let black people vote

So we “import” beaucoup Africans to come and work on our plantations for free, and then turn around 300 years later and give them the right to decide by whom we’re all governed? 2 words: payback. I’m not entirely sure I could come up with something as foolhardy and ridiculous as that. (Oh, wait…)

We let women vote

I mean, come on. Chicks can’t even decide which shoes out of 93 pairs to wear, and we’re going to let them help choose who runs things around here? Yikes! Why not just put the all the candidates’ names on index cards and throw them up in the air. It certainly would be a lot more scientific that way. And yes, those jeans do make your ass look giantly huge.

Make war not love

We, as a society, embrace violence. Just head on out to your local megaplex movie joint. We’ll let our kids see guys chop each others’ heads off, but when it comes to boobies and pee pees, it’s hands off. It’s okay to watch a guy eviscerate his arch enemy, but that other “sword” really needs to stay “sheathed”.

English is our 2nd language

Let’s face it, folks: We’re probably one of the most illiterate nations on the face of the earth. Seriously. Can our knowledge of geography be that far behind? To this day I still believe that The Netherlands is a fake country made up in The Hobbit. You tell me.

Fat is our 1st language

Your girlfriend isn’t the only one with an enormous posterior. Take a look in the mirror, Anybody Q. McFreedom. We’re fat. There may be starving people in New Orleans, but the only thing they’re starving for are their entitlements. Look at that footage again. I think that one levee broke because someone from the 9th ward sat on it.

Illegal immigrants

Turns out our 3rd language is Spanglish. Open borders means open warfare, folks. You let that many Mexicans cross into our country and we might as well start firebombing the UN. Outsourcing may indeed be the new white flight, but it doesn’t mean we won’t keep farming out our dirty work to the Saudis.

Our president is an insane retard

So we go from having a president who was a Rhodes Scholar to a president who thinks a Rhodes Scholar is someone who paints the passing/no passing lines on the highway. I’d say that’s almost an ideal time to start bombing us with our own planes. Turns out it was.

We’ve been in bed with Israel for almost 60 years

And not once did we use a rubber. So guess what: The test came back positive, and it’s a girl. The course of human events may or may not be decided by 13 guys in a Brussels conference room, but Zionism, believe me, is alive and well. Just ask Iran.

We don’t allow gays in the military

That’s crazy. Have you ever been to a drag show? I have, and I’ll tell you what: You’ve not seen hand-to-hand combat until you’ve witnessed the results of what can happen when 2 gay guys both show up as a coffined Karen Carpenter in a wedding dress scarfing on a cheese burger like there’s no tomorrow. Talk about rules of engagement. 3 killed.

”You want reality TV? I got your reality TV right here!”

If the world knows anything about us, it’s that we’re voyeuristic nimrods with way too much free airtime. If you create a pop culture based on broadcast Shadenfreude, there’s a pretty good chance that some 3rd world lunatic is going to call your bluff. Be careful what you wish for, or it could end up on your television set faster than Yasser Arafat can donate AIDS-tainted blood to the Red Cross.

We as a nation are single-handedly responsible for global warming

All of it. Not China. Not Russia. Not even Canada. It’s all our doing. We’re addicted to fossil fuels, and there’s no rehab for that monkey on our collective back. Yeah, like some windmill polluting the view on Martha’s Vineyard is gonna make up for all the coal mined in West Virginia – mining which, incidentally, causes disease in local residents, claims underground aquifers, and destroys the natural beauty and sustainability of the environment. But hey, no one said those people had to live there. It’s their own fault.

Add the fact that about 2% of our nation’s population controls about 95% percent of our nation’s wealth, and you’ve just come up with a brand spankin’ new definition of the phrase “proportional response”.

Today we’re all firemen

There’s something decidedly sick and sinister about those 2 French dude’s documentary. Is it just me, or did anyone else get “the creeps” because of their self-conscious attitude towards keeping the camera rolling?


End of story.

3 words: Christianity

Now let me get this straight: Our official state God, a jealous type, loves the world, i.e., The United States, so much that he gave his only begotten son, begotten by a virgin no less, to die on the cross for our sins so that we may never perish but, rather, have eternal life in the heaven of our preference (Mine? The All-You-Care-To-Eat Seafood Bar at the Shoney’s. Schweet!), and then, after spending 2 count’em 2 days in hell, he “wakes up” on the 3rd day, very refreshed. No, that’s not crazy at all. And we call Muslims fucked-in-the-head nutcases?

So, to sum up: America had it coming because of black people and women voting, Hollywood, stupidity, the “thin challenged”, Mexicans, rabid Zionism, homophobia, Ryan Seacrest, pollution, the NYFD, more Hollywood, and blind-as-a-bat faith.

Don’t you see? It’s bone-chillingly simple. And obvious. I’m a touch embarrassed that I needed to point it out to all y’all.

Hope this helps; thank god (that jealous one – you know: the tall dude with a white beard, a bad temper and a short fuse) I was here.

(As for fashion week, be on the lookout for Gucci’s new Suicide Belt. “Give pieces a chance: Ice 13 innocent bystanders, and look great doing it!”)

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