Bill Clinton Caused 9/11™

In our month long celebration of all things 9/11™, it seems warily appropriate to get all the cards on the table. 5 years after this disaster, we still don't know whose fault it is. Until now.

With a presidential record that reveals that Clinton was more interested in the domestic health – economic, physical and social – of his fellow citizens than he was in "nation building" and "marching freedom spreading democracy" like a wheat thresher, it becomes abundantly clear just how asleep at the wheel our 42nd president (42? Have there been that many already? Really?) was, exactly.

Hell, he might as well have driven those planes into the Empire State Buildings himself. (And who's to say he didn't?)

But one thing we can all be sure of is that Bill Clinton caused 9/11™.

He failed to catch bin Laden during the movie Black Hawk Down

I mean, come on. Obi Wan Kenobi practically had him in his sights when he took out that one tank thingie with a grenade launcher in order to help save the dude from Pearl Harbor. Not him, the other one. No, you're thinking of the dude from Troy and Munich. I'm talking about Colonel William ("Wally") Sharp from Armageddon. Please try to keep up.

He was soft on terror

After the incident in Somalia, all of the awe and fear capital we'd built up over the years made the first Gulf War look like the Bay of Pigs, literally.

He was a moderate Democrat

I.e., "pussy". But what would you expect from someone who was…

A draft-dodging faggot who never saw one day of combat

Could someone please explain to me, preferably slowly, why we would elect someone who had never fought in a war? It verges on the comical!

His vice president was an insane lunatic

All that weenie Al Gore did for 8 long years was to yammer on and on and on about the environment, predicting that if we didn't ease back off on all the consuming we'd suffer massive fluctuations in the weather, causing unprecedented natural disasters. I'm still chortling at that one, retard. Newsflash! Tsunamis and hurricanes are not caused by the weather. They're caused by God. Everybody knows that. I guess the last laughs on you, pinhead!

He spoke thoughtfully and in complete sentences when not reading a teleprompter

Just who the fuck does he think we are? Marshall Scholars? Quit that "reasoning" and "oratory" and "presidential rhetoric" and give us the meat and potatoes. (Better: pork skins and Schlitz.)

He was sexually active

Face it, folks: the last thing we need in the Oval Office is a president engaging in various sex acts while he's "the most powerful man on our planet, earth". It sends the wrong message, i.e, "I am a human being." Is that really the image we want splattered all over the world for all its inhabitants to see?

He was so busy running the country that he forgot to run for office

You just don't do that, kids. You just don't. When the majority of politicians' time is spent vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time doing just that, it creates a Zen-like flow of psychological open-endedness and participates, via its circularity, in the very circle of life that they talk about in The Lion King. And who wouldn't want that?

On the other hand, actually getting things done creates a vacuum and the illusion that you're no longer needed. That's bad (for) business.

He wasn't fanatically Zionist

You can't achieve peace in the Middle East unless you're prepared to suck some kosher dick. Israel is the only, and I mean the only sane nation in the greater Middle Eastern metropolitan area. If Middle Eastern Peace were a restaurant, then Israel would be the uppity maitre 'd, and he'll be happy to inform you, after saying, "And you are…", that reservations are required months in advance, even years for larger parties. "Perhaps you should try that new place, Iraqi's Quagmire, just down the street," he'll say. "That may be more in your price range. And if I'm not mistaken they do accept reason and logic."

You don't talk to those people with reason and logic. You talk to those people with cruise missiles and artillery shells, RPGs and landmines, IEDs and SUVs. The language of anti-personnel devices and collateral damage is the only language those desert apes can understand. And you know it.

So, to sum up: Bill Clinton caused 9/11™ because of Armageddon (not the movie this time), John F. Kennedy, moderation, AWOL (Absent WithOut Leaving), "global cooling", stupidity-as-empowerment, productivity, and anti-Semitism.

Truth hurts, doesn't it?

!?

(Not exactly ideal for my otherwise fragile self-esteem, but sometimes tough love is the only sort that will take.)