Dear DUDE

Lifted from Dear Prudence

Dear DUDE,
I have fallen in love with a woman I knew from childhood and ran into again after not seeing her for 20 years. As kids we hardly noticed each other, but when we met again after all these years we felt an immediate attraction. The problem is that when I was 12 years old I did something terrible that caused an accident that killed her father. No one ever found out it was me and I've never told anyone after all these years. I feel horrible about what happened, but it was a long time ago and I've gotten on with my life. But now what? Should I tell this woman that I caused her father's death many years ago? I'm afraid it would ruin our relationship and we love each other a great deal. The accident occurred when I was in a cornfield at night—we were throwing corn at cars when they drove by. We couldn't see the cars because we were hidden in the field. An ear of corn I threw went through the open car window and struck her father in the head, causing him to lose control of the car and crash into a tree. I ran from the scene and was never implicated.

—Guilty and Confused

Too much detail dude. I mean, how many people do you think are killed by corn? So, big mistake, and Prudence didn’t do you any favors by publishing your confession either. Your letter is so ill advised, I suspect your story is bogus. But, I’ll play along anyway. It’s safe to say your victim’s little girl won’t love you if you confess to her. And although it may be too late, confessing is stupid in and of itself. Do you really need to relieve yourself of the burden of this secret to be happy? No. Not really. I mean, if you think about it really hard, I’m sure you can get over it. Should you be punished? Sure. Should you punish yourself? Again, don’t be stupid. Shit Happens doesn’t need your help. If you tell her you’ll lose her and likely invite a truck load of shit into your life. YOU don’t need that. And even if you think confessing is some twisted way of punishing yourself now, you’ll be kicking yourself for it later. Lastly, and you know what I’m talking about, sleeping with the daughter of the man you killed is kinda hot and I’d bet the source of the attraction. As for the feelings, sound like guilt to me. If you really loved her, you wouldn’t be with her knowing that she’d be utterly devastated to learn she’d made love to her father’s murderer. Honestly dude, you’re one sick puppy. It wasn’t bad enough that you killed her daddy, now you’re practically raping her since there’s no way in hell she’d consent to being your bed buddy if she knew who you really are. You are proof of one thing though, people suck.
--DUDE

Dear DUDE,
My husband and I were recently invited to a good friend's wedding out of town. We won't be able to attend but we would like to send a gift. It turns out the bride and groom have specified that donations be made to their favorite charity in lieu of gifts. I love this idea; however, the charity they chose recently published views on the U.S. involvement in the Middle East that my husband and I were rather insulted by. On the other hand, the core mission of the organization itself is admirable. My husband does not want to donate to this organization because of their remarks and wants to choose another. I say that it would be an insult to the bride and groom because it's (not so?) subtly judging their views on philanthropy and politics at a time that's totally inappropriate to do so. I'd rather just suck it up and go with the favored organization to make our friend happy. Who do you think is right?

—Donation Dilemma

Your husband is right. A wedding should not be about the bride and groom, it should be about everyone else trying to inject their own issues into the proceedings. A wedding is a competition. The winner is the person(s) who succeed in stealing the spotlight. It’s not their day, it’s your day to be a pain in the ass. Best of luck, I hope you ruin it.
--DUDE

Dear DUDE,
I am an 18-year-old woman who has been shaving her head for about two years now, purely out of choice. It is comfortable, simple, and flattering on me. Of course, I receive many outlandish comments that put me in awkward situations due to my appearance and I accept it as inevitable. My particular question is how to respond to post-cancer patients who try to speak to me in a motivational or inspirational way. I appreciate that they try support others, but I am bald, not sickly, and they can't assume that because a woman is without hair that it's because of chemotherapy. This has happened to me a few times, and each time the patient wants to tell me their story, show how their hair is growing back, or bare their pink-ribbon tattoo, often after I've told them that I'm cancer-free. I don't want to appear insensitive, but why should I be bothered with hearing a stranger's story when I can't even empathize?

—Hairless by Choice

It seems strange. You’re brazen enough to walk around bald, but can’t extract yourself from the clutches of cancer victims. I’m not buying it. Sounds to me like shaving your head didn’t get the rise or reaction out of people you hoped it would, so now you’re grasping at straws. Look at me! My head is shaved and people react to that! Why can’t the world just leave me alone!?! You’re an idiot. Shave you head or don’t, but spare us the hypersensitivity. We really don’t care. Try tattooing a swastika up there. Then you’ll get the attention you’re craving. Ugh!
--DUDE

Dear DUDE,
I am a young man of 28 and I have a close lady friend, let's call her Jane, who is 23. We have been friends for a few years now and we talk about a wide range of topics. Jane is beautiful, funny, and very wise for such a young woman. I was attracted to her from the first time we met, but she made it clear from the start that the only relationship she wanted from me was that of a good and close friend, so that's what I've been (that seems to be the only relationship that women want from me, but that is a whole different topic). A few days ago, Jane called me and said, "I've been getting a weird vibe from you." She then said she wanted to cut back on the frequency and duration of when we hang out. I have talked to friends about this and we have all come to the same conclusion: Jane's feelings for me have changed and she is confused about how to move forward. All my friends say to just ride it out and give her the space, that it's all part of the game. What do I do? This issue has me very frustrated and feeling lost.

—Tired of Games

28 and you still haven’t figured it out? I suppose it’s not too late, but man you do make me wonder. I’ll keep it simple for you. When, upon request, you agree to “just be friends” with a woman, what do you think you’re saying to her? That you’re a nice guy? That you like her as a person? That you’re agreeable? NO! What you’re saying is you don’t find her attractive, and you have absolutely no feelings for her whatsoever. In short, you’re telling her she’s undesirable and less than lovable. You’re insulting her. Unless you’re gay. Here is what you do. The next time you talk to her, you tell her, “Jane, being “just friends” with you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I can do it anymore. So, it’s probably best that we stop hanging out. Goodbye Jane. I’ll miss you.”
--DUDE

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