It Wasn't Mark Foley's Fault

Okay. My staff has poured over those instant messages like a fine-toothed comb through the coat of a flea-infested dog. And we came up with pretty much the same results as the comb-dog thingie probably would.

We can't be sure of much. That boy may or may not have been 16 years old. Mark Foley may or may not have been gay man of the homosexual persuasion. Using a towel may or may not have been preferable to, say, a sock, or an old t-shirt.

But of one thing we can be absolutely positively certain: It wasn't Mark Foley's fault.

That boy was asking for it

He was on his school's La Crosse team, for goodness sakes. And everybody knows that when La Crosse players aren't busy fondling each other in the shower, they're out raping black strippers in the bathroom. Come on, folks. I'm really starting to feel like I'm repeating myself. Again.

Hey: If there's grass on the field, PLAY BALL!!!

This one should be self-explanatory.

That boy dressed provocatively as a congressional page

Just who doesn't get driven into a wild sexual frenzy at the sight of a pair of kaki chinos and a polo shirt. That's hot!

All those Dateline shows about sexual predators on the internet(s) brainwashed Mark Foley

He was veritably hypnotized into trolling the net for twinks and mindfucked into downing Jim Beam shot after Jim Beam shot by scene after scene after scene of sexual predatoring and Chris Hansen's Steven Colbert-esque play-by-play accounts. Plus, everybody knows that NBC is the unofficial leader of the liberal media conglomerate. That's why they fired that neo-con, Katie Couric. Keep up, people.

Mark Foley was drunk and curious

And, therefore, unaware of what he was doing. I mean, come on: How many of us in college didn't do a little "experimenting" that, if it got out, would be pretty dang embarrassing? Huh? Oh.

At least Mark Foley is not a Catholic priest

Though it turns out he may or may not have been molested by one in his youth, which, if you think about, really should absolve him from any wrongdoing. (But you really have to think about it. Hard. Really hard. And long.)

Mark Foley may be a closeted gay Republican of the homosexual persuasion

Don't you think he's got it bad enough already? Let's cut "Mary" some slack. Which means…

Mark Foley, if he's gay, may be, therefore, preoccupied with sex

Seriously. I heard a man say it on my radio last night whilst listening to the NPR. He said that gays are preoccupied with sex. Which got me to thinking, Uh-oh, I think I'm gay. Because I'm preoccupied with sex. But I'm preoccupied with sex with women, which might cramp my "alternative lifestyle" when I'm out being all gay and stuff. Rats!

Mark Foley was trying to save that boy's life

Scientific studies have shown that daily masturbation lowers one's chances of contracting prostate cancer later on in life. Mark Foley's intensive, extensive discussions online about masturbation with alleged 16 year old boys is nothing short of prophylactic medicine of the highest order, an excellent resume-builder for protecting the youth of America, and ranks right up there with Dr. Frist's keen eye when he diagnosed Terri Schiavo as being exceptionally cogent and abundantly human using nothing more than a video tape of her drooling on herself. Physician: Heed thyself!

Mark Foley is not a pedophile

While wanting a goodnight kiss from a 16 year-old boy may be poor judgment on his part, and certainly frowned upon profoundly in some of our southernmost states (which, by the way, are a lot more "Socratic" than one would like to believe), it's not pedophilia. It's bad decision-making. Good thing his last job didn't require any good decision making.

He didn't break any laws that we may or may not be aware of

Come on. It's not like he was showing up at these 16 year-old boys' houses and asking them to finger his asshole while he gave them head. Jeez, kids. Lighten up (in the loafers)!

So, to sum up: It wasn't Mark Foley's fault because of La Crosse, baseball, that little IZOD alligator, Stone Phillips, Protestantism, Log Cabin Republicans, NPR, rubbers, voting records, and "tossing the salad".

Obviously. Sheesh.