Monday, September 18, 2006

Local NPR Affiliate Dipshitted Asshats

(A rant. [Obviously.])

WBHM of Birmingham, Alabama, announced last Friday it was dropping 4 shows from its Saturday schedule and replacing the vacated time slots with classical music. The 4 shows are Marketplace Money, Whad’Ya know with Michael Feldman, The Thistle and Shamrock, and On the Media.

This will completely, totally and utterly ass-rape my Saturdays. (And Sundays.)

I don’t have anything against classical music; I happen to like it, when it’s varied and ecclectic. I’m not a huge fan of Michael Feldman, but he’s quick and occasionally funny. Sure, Money was depressing because most of the news is bad; but the show’s extremely informative without being condescending. Shamrock is harmless enough, but I don’t feel a great sense of sadness at it no longer following Garrison.

But the loss of On the Media, perhaps the best show on NPR (followed closely by Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me), is devastating. If you’ve not heard it, think of it as the “media industry’s” quiet, stoic, subtle-yet-ruthless Department of Internal Affairs. It routinely would blow the lid off sloppy (if not completely flawed) journalism and reveal the fact that, to a certain extent, we, as citizens, really don’t have a fucking clue about what the fuck is really fucking happening in the (fucking) world, and our news outlets don’t seem that keen on remedying the motherfucking situation. Holy crap!

And you stupid jizzle swilling cocksuckers want to rip it off the air? No wonder you have such a hard time raising money. You’re fucking retarded. You play the listener testimonials over and over and over and over, and half of them are saying how much they appreciate the thoroughness of the news coverage and the fairness of tone.

Don’t you think, you pinheads, that it would then behoove you to keep the one show that does it best once a week on the motherfucking air? Jesus Salad-Tossing Christ!

Never mind the fact that the gal who yammers the local news at 5:01 can’t get through one sentence without botching the content, after which I’m wondering why she just said, for all intents and purposes, that Donald Rumsfeld is the Secretary of State.

Never mind the fact that the current classical music show plays the same motherfucking 31 pieces over and over and over again and again and over and over.

Never mind that every time, every fucking time A Prairie Home Companion starts, we hear the first chord of the All Things Considered theme because one of you boner-faced brainiacs hit the wrong button. Again.

Never mind that that one local guy actually referred to a certain piece as Haydn’s Messiah.

Never mind that at least 4 times a year I have to endure, “Ladies and Gentlemen: The Capitol Steps!” That’s nothing short of barbaric and inhumane.

So as I’m demolishing and reinventing my kitchen over the course of the next several Saturdays (and Sundays), I can look forward to hearing not Michael, Kai, Brooke, Bob and Fiona, but, rather, Brahms’ Academic Festival Overture 15 times and occasionally hear the host say, “And now, a piece rarely heard, Clementi’s Symphony #2.” Guess what, cum-chugger: There’s a pretty good reason why Clementi’s Symphony #2 is rarely heard. Because it SUCKS!!!
Well, I got through Saturday fine. Fuckin’ drywall everywhere. But it’s a good diversion. Then Sunday rolls around. Weekend Edition, Studio 360, To The Best of Our Knowledge—er, wait. It’s not on? They got rid of that, too? Fuck! So they replay Garrison at 10 AM now, followed by a local arts & leisure show, Tapestry, and then those pretentious retards on Says You, and then, that’s right, more cocksucking classical music. But only till 2 PM, right? 2 rolls around. More motherfucking music. Did they move Fresh Air Weekend back to 3? Nope. They fucking dropped that, too. Eff!

Thank god they kept Echos (with your host, John Diliberto) and Music from the Hearts of Space starting at 7 PM on Sundays. I have no idea what carnival freak shows listen to those programs, but I sure hope they’re felons so that they can’t vote. Those shows are for people who think music is an accessory.

Thanks, WBHM. I’m stopping payment on that check. It’s gonna be a long winter.

I guess I’ll just listen to the Alabama and Auburn games instead. (Rolllllllll Tide! Roll!!! War Eagle!)

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